My usual feelings around my aphantasia are curious, just wanting to understand what my conscious mind can and can’t seem to process or recall. It doesn’t upset me and make me feel lacking.
Early this morning I had a brief dream in which our dog Molly, who has been gone now for three weeks, was suddenly back and I leapt on her cuddling her deeply and joyfully yelling that she was back. I could see and feel her body with such specificity and reality. It was just a few wonderful moments of dreamtime.
I woke with a start and immediately tried to will myself back to sleep to continue feeling the dream reality of her. But waking reality intruded and even though I was able to return to sleep, I didn’t return to that vivid, physical space, just jumping non-sensical dream story-telling.
Awake now this morning I find myself with a bit of misplaced anger at my mind that it is capable of such complete connection with my memory of sensations in dreams but shuts me out from them otherwise. Aphantasia means that I can’t even bring an image of Molly into my head “on demand” let alone feel the warmth and shape of her little body in a snuggle.
But I don’t want to be angry with myself and the way my mind works. I just want my beautiful dog person/friend/daughter back and to treat my mind and body with tenderness and love.